Early spring, 2006. A busy morning Saturday morning in an apartment on New York’s west side. The Priest family, Bertrand, Jill and their 10 year old son, Jake are getting ready for his Little League game. Bertrand has been writing and believes that he might have a first draft of his new play. Jill would like to read it.
JAKE
(Offstage.)
Dad, I can’t—
BERTRAND
Not yet.
JAKE
—find my batting gloves!
BERTRAND
(Referring to his play)
I’m still working on it.
JILL
You just said it was done?
JAKE
Dad?
JILL
And that you were bringing it into the Lab. Why can’t I read it?
BERTRAND
It’s still—
JAKE
Dad?
BERTRAND
—pretty raw.
JAKE
Dad!
JILL
Are you afraid to let me read it?
BERTRAND
(To Jake.)
What?
JILL
The play. Are you afraid—?
JAKE
Didja see ‘em?
BERTRAND
See what?
JAKE
My batting gloves. Dad?
BERTRAND
It’s just… you know.
JILL
What?
JAKE
Can you help me find ‘em?
BERTRAND
Find what?
JAKE
My batting gloves!
BERTRAND
Okay.
JILL
Is there a problem with me reading it?
BERTRAND
(A short silence.)
Well, the way you reacted last time—
JILL
Are you going to hold that over my head forever?
BERTRAND
You didn’t talk to me for a month.
JILL
That was over two years ago.
BERTRAND
I don’t wanna go through that again.
JAKE
Daaad!
BERTRAND
Yeah?
JAKE
Are ya gonna help me or not?
BERTRAND
Yes!
(To Jill.)
The kid’s relentless.
JILL
I have an idea. While you get Jake ready for baseball—
BERTRAND
Uh-huh?
JILL
—I’ll read the play.
BERTRAND
No. Jill, I’m not ready—
JILL
Bertrand. It’s okay. I can handle it.
(She takes the pages. Bertrand stands frozen, watching her.)
Jesus! It’s just me.
(She takes the papers and goes out of the light. Jake enters the light.)
BERTRAND
Jake, take a look in my bag. I think they’re in my bag.
JAKE
Why would they—?
BERTRAND
Cause you left ‘em in the dugout last week and I picked ‘em up.
JAKE
(Jake goes off. From offstage.)
Yep! They’re there!
(Jake enters the light, wearing his baseball jersey.)
Dad, does this look stupid?
BERTRAND
No.
JAKE
The sleeves are too long. They go down to here.
BERTRAND
So, roll em up.
JAKE
That looks terrible.
BERTRAND
Ya know, it’s not about how your shirt fits.
JAKE
Daaad.
BERTRAND
You know, a lotta great pitchers threw with their sleeves hangin down.
JAKE
Really?
BERTRAND
Yeah. Satchel Paige for one. When he went through his motion, the ball would get lost in all the white fabric waving around. Hitters couldn’t pick up the ball leaving his hand.
JAKE
Cool.
BERTRAND
Yeah! Satchel Paige was very clever. Know what he used to say? “Don’t look back. Somethin might be gainin on ya.”
JAKE
What’s that mean?
BERTRAND
It means do what you have to do and don’t worry about it.
JAKE
Was he any good?
(Hushed sobbing is heard offstage.)
BERTRAND
Yeah. One of the best. Ever.
JAKE
Is that Mom crying?
BERTRAND
I don’t know. Get yourself ready. Make sure you have all your gear. Lemme talk to mommy.
JAKE
Did I do something?
BERTRAND
What could you have done? You’re out here talkin to me.
JAKE
I don’t know. Maybe she’s cryin because I—
BERTRAND
No. Trust me. It has nothing to do with you.
(The lights fade and come up on another part of the stage where Jill is reading. Bertrand enters.)
Is something wrong? Are you crying?
(Jill doesn’t answer.)
Are you okay?
JILL
(Through tears.)
No.
BERTRAND
Why? I don’t—
JILL
What is this?
(Jake enters.)
JAKE
Mommy?
JILL
Jake.
JAKE
Are you crying, Mommy?
(Jill gets control of herself.)
JILL
I have to talk to Daddy.
JAKE
Are you sad, Mommy? What are you sad about?
JILL
I need to be alone with Daddy.
(Jake is frozen.)
BERTRAND
Jake. Please. It’ll be okay.
JAKE
Really?
JILL
It’s okay, Jake.
JAKE
We’re still going to baseball, right Dad?
BERTRAND
Of course.
JAKE
Mommy? Tell me. Why—
JILL
I’m fine, Jake. Please. We just need a few minutes.
(Jill smiles reassuringly. Jake leaves the room. Jill allows herself to openly cry.)
Why?
BERTRAND
Why what?
JILL
You promised me—
BERTRAND
What?
JILL
—you wouldn’t write this way again!
BERTRAND
No, I didn’t.
JILL
Why does everything have to be blowjobs and fucking all the time?
BERTRAND
It’s not all the time.
JILL
It is. This one is even worse—
BERTRAND
Worse?
JILL
Yes. —worse than the last one!
BERTRAND
I knew I shouldn’t’ve—
JILL
At least that one—
BERTRAND
What?
JILL
—wasn’t about us!
BERTRAND
This isn’t—
JILL
Oh, Bertrand!
BERTRAND
—about us!
JILL
Oh, come on! It’s obvious!
BERTRAND
Here we go!
JILL
(Indicating the script.)
Is this what you really want?
BERTRAND
Of course not. I love you.
JILL
I don’t under— Then why would you—?
BERTRAND
Jill. Calm yourself.
JILL
Don’t tell me to calm myself!
BERTRAND
Okay. Okay. I’m writing about a man—
JILL
A “man.” Sure.
BERTRAND
—who dreams of—
JILL
(Thumbing through it.)
I can’t— Every page!
BERTRAND
It’s not every page. Listen. The guy dreams of being powerful. Virile. And he’s impotent. So, he fantasizes—
JILL
Why are you writing about that?
BERTRAND
Jill—
JILL
I know things haven’t been great, but lots of couples—
BERTRAND
—it’s a small part—
JILL
—go through periods—
BERTRAND
Listen to me. It’s a small part of the play. Okay? The play is not about us, or you, or me. We’re fine.
JILL
How can that be when we haven’t…
BERTRAND
Jill.
JILL
— touched in a long time?
BERTRAND
Not that long. It’s not a big deal.
JILL
Come on. And you write this? What am I supposed to think?
BERTRAND
Look, I’m exploring dreams, fantasies—
JILL
Why do we have to read it? Why do people have to see it?
BERTRAND
I can’t write bullshit. I need to be true to my innermost—
JILL
Why can’t you keep them to yourself?
(A short beat.)
I’m very upset. I don’t know who you are.
(She reads from the play.)
And she touches me, unzipping me, reaching into my pants and takin out my big, fat cock; harder than it’s ever been. She gazes at it, amazed and then wraps her mouth around it, sucking and licking; playin with my balls. I’m goin crazy. She takes it and rubs her clit— Ugh.
(She continues.)
—with it and puts it inside her. Damn, if she don’t take all nine inches.
(Jill stops reading for a moment, then continues.)
And I’m fuckin her and fuckin her. We don’t want it to end, but she’s got Home Ec.
Really, Bert? Really?
—and if she’s late one more time, she’ll get Detention.
BERTRAND
Do you think I need to specify that she’s over eighteen?
JILL
(A short beat, then Jill continues.)
So, I pull out. I’m ready to blow, but my dick keeps growin and growin; bursting through my bedroom wall and drilling into the next apartment. And she’s hangin on! Holdin on for dear life! And we can’t take our eyes off it! Rising like Apollo 11 and ramming through the moon! And then exploding! My cum shoots out of me like burning lava from Vesuvius!
BERTRAND
(Laughing.)
I love that. You don’t love that?
JILL
No. I don’t love that.
(Continues reading.)
And it’s rainin down on us. Wet and sticky. And we’re laughin and laughin! Rollin around in it. Slippin and slidin. Ticklin each other. Playin. I grab her sweet ass. Take a bite. For a second, I thought I loved her.
(Jill looks at him.)
BERTRAND
What? There’s more.
JILL
(She continues reading.)
We shower. We get dressed. Me in my charcoal, two-button Hugo Boss, and Tiff in a tube-top and skinny jeans. What a pair we are! Take the Jag and drop her off. Got her there with time to spare. We hear the bell ring. She smiles, gives me a kiss, a little wave and off she goes. I watch her walk. Mmmm. Was a few minutes late pickin up the wife. Hit a lotta traffic.
(A short beat.)
Why?
BERTRAND
I don’t know.
JILL
What is this?
BERTRAND
A monologue.
JILL
Were you always like this?
BERTRAND
Like what?
JILL
Like the guy in the play. Is that you?
BERTRAND
No. Hugo Boss? Take the Jag? Of course not.
JILL
I never would’ve married you if I knew you were like this. Oh my God! Are actors going to read this?
BERTRAND
Yeah.
JILL
Out loud?
BERTRAND
Of course.
JILL
In front of people?
BERTRAND
I hope so.
JILL
I can’t do this. I can’t go through this again. This is just too much for me to handle. What will people say? What will they think?
BERTRAND
I don’t know.
JILL
You keep saying “I don’t know.” Well, I know! They’re going to say “Bertrand Priest is a pervert and his wife is a fool!”
BERTRAND
They won’t say that.
JILL
They will! Maybe not to your face, but after they see this, they’ll think that I’m the boring wife you have to pick up and that you’d rather be with a young girl!
BERTRAND
No, they won’t.
JILL
They won’t? That’s what I think.
BERTRAND
Jill, you have nothing to worry about. I don’t want that. If I did—
JILL
What?
BERTRAND
—you’d know about it.
JILL
Maybe not?
BERTRAND
For one thing, I wouldn’t be writing about it for all the world to see!
JILL
Is this a cry for help?
BERTRAND
No.
(A short beat.)
Jill. It’s just a play.
JILL
Really? So that makes it okay to hurt me?
BERTRAND
This has nothing to do with you.
JILL
It doesn’t? I’m your wife. I’m the one who stays home with Jake and goes shopping and talks to the neighbors and the mothers on the playground, while you’re out doing…
BERTRAND
What?
JILL
Whatever you do. I don’t know.
(A short beat.)
What do you think the mothers on the playground will think?
BERTRAND
Who cares what they think? They just sit out there and gossip all day.
JILL
Right! That’s what they’re going to do. They’re going to sit out there and gossip all day— about us. And let me tell you, it can get very vicious.
BERTRAND
Jill, frankly, I didn’t have the mothers on the playground—
JILL
When I’m down there—
BERTRAND
—on my mind when I was writing the play.
JILL
When I’m down there, I’m very private. I never tell them anything. And now, thanks to you, they’ll know all about us.
BERTRAND
This isn’t about us! What are you talking about? They’re not gonna know anything!
JILL
Then they’ll think they know!
BERTRAND
I can’t worry about what people might think they know.
JILL
You and your filth—
BERTRAND
Filth?
JILL
Yes. You and Your Filth will be Topic Number One at the Playground. I hope you’re happy.
BERTRAND
I am happy. I have a first draft and I’m happy.
JILL
What about my happiness? I’m the one that has to face them.
BERTRAND
I can’t let that stop me from writing what comes out of me.
JILL
Why not?
BERTRAND
I can’t censor myself.
JILL
You’re so selfish! Don’t you get it? I’m the one who sleeps with you. And when you write this way, it reflects—
BERTRAND
I’m not changing a thing.
JILL
—on us!
BERTRAND
No, it doesn’t.
JILL
Oh, my God! You are so thick!
End of Excerpt